Tuesday, 12 August 2014

Fire Up The Batmobile 'cos I gotta get outta here

Hello all

First of all, as I write this at 2 am, I'm trying not to cry (and failing) that Robin Williams is dead. It saddens me a lot more than I ever imagined it would.  Maybe because he's one of those guys that in a childish way I never imagined passing away, like I just thought he would always be there. I'm so sorry you felt you couldn't carry on anymore. Rest in peace xxx

I have absolutely no idea what I've done this week. I've been trying to be more productive everyday, giving myself to-do lists and I even went so far as to make a five-year plan which involves graduating, writing and publishing some stuff
Speaking of writing and publishing, that is something I got done this week. I finally finished my first zine. I've been working on it for almost a month now and I don't want to be self deprecating and be like oh it's terrible, because I worked so hard on it and then it makes other people think oh it is terrible. But at the same time, as a rule of being the work of a fledging writer, it is bad. It's my first zine and maybe in a year I will look back and laugh. So there. In that sentence I hopefully managed to be both self deprecating and encouraging about my own work ha.

I put the zine on etsy here. It's a fake/parody conspiracy theory magazine about illuminati handshakes which is a REAL conspiracy theory.

The song which my post title is from: Liz Phair - Fire Up The Batmobile. It's melancholic

Oh Captain, my Captain

Wednesday, 6 August 2014

No longer a teenage dirtbag (BUT I MET CONAN O'BRIEN SO I DON'T CARE)

German Worker Jacket - Army Surplus
Stray Cat Rock Tee - We-admire
Skirt - Meadham Kirchoff x Topshop

Well, that's it folks! I'm no longer a teenager. I turned 20 on the 27th July. [I'm a Leo] Hmm. The days leading up to it I had been feeling depressed. I wasn't sure what I was going to do to celebrate, or if I wanted to celebrate and I didn't know how to get people together, or who was even talking to who anymore. An old friend texted me and offered to take me to the movies so we went to see Dawn of the Planet of the Apes. Actually a good movie, haha.

Then she randomly called one of our friends to come out, and then I called another, and then the first friend called another and all of a sudden what I had wanted to happen but had been scared to make happen, was happening! We were all hanging out on my birthday, at night, in a kid's playground in front of where we went to high school no less. It was a great birthday, thanks Carla!

Then on Wednesday, went for Pizza and drinks at Voodoo Rays. Had the shrooms pizza which was fucking amazing. Then walked around  for a bit before going to a pub.

But here's what I've been leading up to: Meeting Conan O'Brien.  Conan's show didn't air in the UK before 4th August but I found out through twitter that Conan was in London. Then I heard about a competition to meet him in Brick Lane, like 15 minutes from where I live! I entered, I lost. But the day before, I told my friend Carla, who I've known for sooooo long and didn't even know she loved Conan too, and we decided whether or not I won the comp, we would try and see Coco. It's not everyday one of your heroes (he's my actual hero) is in your hometown.

Conan came out. My mouth was dry, I couldn't really  breathe but I started calling out: Conan! Conan! I nearly fell backwards when I felt Carla pushing me forward. We were right in front of him, he said hi. I showed him my writing journal which has a quote by him in it, he said it was sweet and signed next to it. I told him he was my hero and he hugged me. He is very very slim and very tall and very freckled. I think I actually told him I love him. wow. Yes. I think I did. And now I'm blogging this. And I want to be a professional writer! haha. but oh well. I have a bad memory. I don't want to forget this and this is how I remember things.
[EDIT: It is not a blur. I remember almost all of it but I have deleted some of this part because it is very very detailed and mushy and hysterical and I want to have a career!! And also this post was written in a semi daze] Then we took a selfie on my iphone. Oh yeah I forgot and lol there was like a second where I was just staring at him and he was looking at me and then stupidly i was like: OMG, I want to die. [What AM I??!] He said: aww don't die. [But seriously, what the hell am I?]
It's a bit of a blur from there  nope it isn't] I was almost in tears and semi hysterical. But...

Conan O'Brien is my hero. (David Bowie, Tavi also)

I know this seems so fangirly but yeah I am a fangirl. Being a fan of things got me writing. My first ever script was a doctor who script. 

So yeah. My teenage years are gone but I don't mind so much anymore. I'm looking forward to the future and my last year of university, and writing a LOT. Speaking of:
I wrote a thing for Amelia's Wocthatsme mag here: 

Friday, 25 July 2014

Who Is It? Who Is It? Who Is It? It's Me!

That isn't just an egotistical post title. It's from Sweet Charity which  is one of my favourite musical films. I've loved it since I was a little child. It's weird but since I've been learning about Feminism, revisiting my favourite films has been quite an experience. For instance, when I was a small child I can't believe I never realised how RACIST Thoroughly Modern Millie is!

I was thinking about Sweet Charity too. It does actually pass the Bechdel Test. I dunno. I hear people say oh it isn't a feminist movie because she seems so desperate for a man's love. I dunno. I think she's just human. She wants to be loved! It just takes her till the end of the film to realise she has to love herself and that she has family in the girls that she works with (I don't wanna give to much away).

See where Beyonce took Single Ladies dance from ^

But yeah. This is the film  that started 6 year old Aida's obsession with 1960s fashion. I was already a fan of the music thanks to my mum singing Beatles songs to me, and us not having cable tv so had to watch Top of the Pops 2 (which introduced me to Led Zeppelin!!). But this film, with its wardrobe designed by the legendary Edith Head, captivated me.

This is one of my favourite parts of the movie. you HAVE to watch it. The choreography (Bob Fosse of course!) is to die for and I love the dresses. They are so short. And the guys suits are so slim fitting. Gorgeous. I'm not going to lie. I know this dance off by heart. (ALSO, this is where Beyonce got the choreography for Get Me Bodied from! It's a tribute)

Hey Big Spender!

I got this dress from Asos I think. It's Pop Boutique. About a week later it went on sale!! It's lovely and makes me want to skip down the street but I'm deterred by the fact that last time I went to the supermarket in this dress, I was trying to collect some scratchcard winnings and the dude asked me for I.D. The legal age is 16! I turn twenty in two days! Still got the cash tho. So all's well that ends well.

The Rhythm of life is a powerful beat. Puts a tingle in your fingers and a tingle in your feet

I kind of wished people did walk around, maybe sort of high, giving people daisies and going 'LOOOOVE'. But then I realise that for half the year I live in Brighton, so if I haven't seen that yet I need to get out more.

Monday, 21 July 2014

One by one baby here they come


Been away for a while again but this time I've actually been doing stuff! I've been working for nearly two weeks on a zine. Even though I made a little Quentin Tarantino zine when it was his birthday, I would say this is my first proper zine.

It's a parody conspiracy theory magazine about handshakes between politicians (YES I AM A NERD!) and I'm working daily to get it done to a really good quality before the end of International Zine Month. Here's a little sneak peak of the zine:

Thanks for all the comments on my last rambling, written-with-anxiety, post. I've been writing almost every day now from shitty poems and comedy sketches, to short stories and this zine. When it's done it will probably be up here or on Etsy or something. It's kind of amazing. Something changed since the last post and the hunger to create and the anger at being afraid just made me get writing. Sometimes I'd literally stare at a blank document or a blank book and scream as I type or write. Yes, it sounds overly dramatic but I gotta do what I gotta do. Apologies to my neighbours.

It's been soooooo hot in London that there have been storms. There's a park literally 30 seconds from my house. Literally if I look outside my living room window the park is there. I should probably leave my laptop alone and go and breathe some fresh air. The closest I've got is taking OOTD photos in my balcony

West German Worker Jacket
Stray Cat Rock Tshirt - WeAdmire
Trousers - Urban Outfitters

Not to sound all self-helpy ( I actually love self help stuff) but I found this to be amazing.
Grab the broom of anger and drive off the beast of fear
Zora Neal Hurston                                        

Wednesday, 9 July 2014

My Veins are Blue and Connected and Every Single Bone in my Body's Electric

Hi. Even though I've finished uni for the year and I said I'd be blogging more regularly here I've found that I've been leaving long gaps between blogging here. It's not that I'm becoming disillusioned with blogging, not at all. I don't know what it is.
I wrote a draft about Meghan Trainor's 'All About the Bass' and then didn't post it because I was scared. Hmm. I know fear is a normal part of life but I hate that it stops me doing things like writing.

I want to write so much. Not just blogging, but articles, scripts, stories. But I just get so anxious because I feel like it needs to be perfect or what's the point. I keep telling myself that I should just write anyway and that if I don't practice how will I get better. As much as there's writers block and dry spells and lack of inspiration, writers write and that's that.  Sometimes I think oh, maybe I'm not a writer then.
But it's ALL I THINK ABOUT. I get annoyed sometimes because when I wake up the first thing I think about is writing but instead of getting up and getting a pen and paper, I read an interview about how to write. I read a Paris Review interview, (Joan Didion's The Art of Nonfiction is amazing, as is Kurt Vonnegut's The Art of Fiction) or I listen to a podcast with a writer, or read an essay or a zine ortrawl through the blog of someone else who is successful. It's inspiring but underneath there's a sense of feeling that everything has already been done or that everything I want to say has already been said. Or that I just don't even have the ability to do this.

Here's the thing about fear though. While I'm a perfectionist. While I have massive anxiety issues. While I have a paralysing fear of failure being scared reminds me how bad I want it, how hungry I am.

Immigrant girl on tumblr brought out a zine:

I like this zine. I do think I am hungry to create but maybe it's true that I'm not hungry enough. I repress the mistakes I make and try to obliterate them from my memory instead of analysing them to learn and grow from them. I've let fear fuck me around for so long. or rather I've fucked myself around for so long. I was too scared to join the writing society at my uni and now it has disbanded. aghhhhhhhhhh!
I'VE HAD ENOUGH! I'm gonna DO something. I need to not be afraid to fail, to make mistakes, to have people judge my work and help me grow. I don't say it enough, but the blogs that I read on here, you guys are amazing.

I have a little issue with the 'winning' though. I don't think you can 'win' at life. It's like Stephen Colbert says, life is an improvisation and you have to serve others as well as yourself and they will serve you too.  Bring each other up. Or actually, help each other to bring themselves up.

I also read Arabelle Sicardi's tumblr a lot too. She regularly gives straightforward, no-bullshit advice like: 'You're replaceable unless and until you prove otherwise'.

I'm not graduating until next year but I always watch American Commencement speeches. They're not as big of a deal in the UK and we definitely don't get as amazing speakers. These are my 2 of my favourites, Stephen Colbert at Northwestern is another which I referenced earlier. The first one is Conan O'Brien's Dartmouth one (2011) and the second is Shonda Rhimes' Dartmouth one from this year (2014). They are really good. I mean like really really good. (Jim Carrey's from this year was amazing too.)
They talk about dreaming vs doing, imposter syndrome, fear, failure, insecurity.

Here's a transcript of Shonda Rhimes and here's Conan's

There are loads of ways of saying 'practice makes perfect'. There's the 10,000 hours theory that states that it would take roughly 10,000 of practice to become good at something. But it's not just the time, it's the quality of practice. You could spend 10,000 hours writing shit and never learning from mistakes. You could spend 10,000 hours practising different songs on your guitar but still not understand the fundamentals of music theory which might make you a better player. You kind of have to even learn how to practice too.

In an interview, Ira Glass talks about 'The Gap' between the quality of the work you make as a beginner and your potential. You know what you're creating isn't that good because you have the 'taste' to see that but perhaps not the experience to reach the quality that you want. He says that it's experience that closes that gap.

Well, this was a disjointed post but I kind of had to force it out of me. I needed to pool all these things together into one space. There's so much more I could write here but that I need to think about, to mull over, and they will come out on this blog. I was going to say that this means my blog might start to look a little different but then I realised that's kind of a moot point because that's inevitable. I know my blog definitely doesn't look how it did when I started it last summer.

If you read all the way to the end of this, WOW, and thanks x

images from tumblr (Arabelle Sicardi's blog, immigrant girls)